Part of the Process

Part of the Process

 I had to come to terms with being single. I had to accept this was a space I needed to occupy for a while. It’s not that I didn’t feel ready for a relationship, I have a lot of love to offer someone. I believe whoever is meant for me is out there working out their stuff, the last thing I need at this point in my life is another person with more issues than a therapist has an available couch for.  I have met some men who have seemingly had it all together, but red flags appear a lot quicker than they used to, I guess you can chalk it up to my lack of tolerance for BS. Maybe it’s growth and wisdom. Whatever it is, I no longer have the desire to entertain something I know is a trek in the wrong direction just because it may be packaged well. I also learned to do what is best for me. Trust my own gut instincts and be okay with spending more time in my self- discovery as a single person.

I questioned if I was becoming jaded. I still had hope. Residing with those thoughts and feelings also gave me an acceptance and peace. It’s one of those nice to have things if I have it but I am nice on my own without it too. Yes, I miss the companionship. But I also don’t have the time or room on my plate to entertain anything that will devalue what I have going on in my life or cause me any unnecessary stress. As much as I miss it, some things are just not worth my peace of mind. Many of my friends will say, I am quick to dismiss someone or I am looking for something to be wrong. I just call it knowing where I have evolved to and how comfortable I am only sharing my bed with my dog Coco. It takes a lot to want to share your bed with someone robbing you of peace. At this age, sleep is my best friend, and not something I am willing to compromise for the sake of having a someone next to me probably snoring and keeping me up.

There was a time when I would ignore signs and accept less than what I wanted; having a something with someone was better than not. I would revisit situations all too often because they were familiar, negating that familiarity breeds contempt. It was a space filler. It was a temporary happy high.  Eventually, I found myself feeling depleted, still empty and filled with regrets of not making myself and what was best for me a priority. I finally had to say this no longer does anything for me and begin whatever process I needed to do to detach. In the past these situations gave many feel good memories, the new reality that I had outgrown that space and no longer was growing from it made me accept it was time to let it go. I was hoping more for them to be better for me then I wanted better for myself.  No closure needed, I needed to walk away.  Accept that it was what it was and have no regrets for making my peace and well-being a priority.

Even in the numb spaces of being single, I don’t question the why like I used to. I look forward to the when. Moreover, I am embracing the now me that no longer feels less than without a someone. I didn’t know this “I’m good with or without” a someone feeling would be so liberating. I am not anti-relationship, I am just pro me and pro peace of mind. Yes, there will be times when I will allow myself to be open, however wisdom and experience have taught me to tread lightly. This isn’t a race, it’s all part of the journey. I am not afraid to try, I am averse to falling blindly for something that only has one sided intentions.  I will trust the process and believe in the dopeness of who I am. I am filled with love and know the right person will be fortunate to have it. Right now, I am fortunate to know the person that needs my love the most is me. Self-discovery is a beauty to embrace.  Spending time working on you is not a tragedy, it can lead to triumphs. Saying no to what’s not good for you is your voice. Embrace. Accept. Learn. Grow. Thrive and Shine!