I pray you never wonder what you need to fix.

 I pray you never wonder what you need to fix. 

The other day, I came across a post that said “I pray my daughter never wonders what she has to fix for a man to love her”.

It made me reflect on an encounter I had this summer with my Ex-Husband.

If I had to describe what I felt most it would be acceptance and peace. 

It was a similar scenario albeit a terrible situation for our daughter.  Seeing him in person for the first time since 2019, finally had no effect on me. 

He was a person I shared children with. The life we shared together, now seemed to be irrelevant. The old longing for him to change has long since subsided. I saw through him. 

I focused on maintaining my calm and on the matter that brought us together. Our child’s crisis. In this moment, nothing was more important than to show up for her. Be present and supportive and to remove myself from the situation. 

This was no easy task with what seemed like a determination to trigger me, or was it being in a space with a person who used to have control over my responses and reactions. Whatever it was, it seemed to roll off my back like water off a duck. 

It was obvious tension. I accepted knowing that no matter what I did, they would see me as the problem. They never took the time in the past to have the kind of conversation where they actually listened to me. They would be resentful towards me because of their own issues. They would continue to see me as the problem even for the choices they made. It was the acknowledgment of how much they never valued me enough to know who I was and who I had now become.

While I no longer have a longing for them or a feeling that maybe one day they would be different. I wonder if they find it hard living a facade while ignoring the reality of pain they have caused. An apology that has yet to occur and at this point, probably never will. As much progress as they seem to have made, it seems they have yet to have garnered the strength to make amends for the hurt they have caused. I have forgiven and moved on. I am at peace. 

I am not angry. If there ever was a time I was, it is now replaced with my staunch determination to protect my peace and not allow anyone to violate it.  I accept that they may never truly “see” me and honestly it no longer is my concern.  I spent a great deal of my existence trying to make someone else see my value; to feel I was worth fighting for. To know someone would be my covering. Now I value myself. I fight for myself.  I am proud of the woman I have become. I thank God for being the covering I have needed. 

When I reflect on how broken I was, I know it was nothing but God that brought me out. I know my value and worth. I have forgiven myself for the times I questioned who I was. I pray I never find myself in a space of loss like I was. I lost me. It has been no easy task of finding me. Some days are still a challenge to be content in who I am. Love who I am and be confident in who I am. One doesn’t walk away from decades of being made to feel small and insignificant overnight. Sometimes it takes years. For me, it is an every day journey. 

What I have promised myself is to never allow anyone to have that much power over me again. To not allow someone to have the power to see less in me than I saw in myself and let that shape how I view myself. I have grown so much and as I continue to grow, I take in every day with a grateful heart and a determination to be better than the day before.  For the times I struggle I look for grace to get me through. I am patient with myself in this growth journey. 

Letting go of their view of me:

For a long time, I overlooked how much power I had given them. I lived for their approval and needed them to love me. I spent years hoping they would change. I have watched them grow in some ways. I saw them be intentional about being better for someone else.  I however, experienced who they really were, at least to me. It was a true contradiction of the persona they lived in public. Many people would insinuate I was making things up. However, this was my truth with them. My reality. How they treated me was different than anyone else. They saw no value in me. 

I was told I was not enough consistently. I was made to feel it was a privilege to have them because they “settled” for me. I had loved them beyond my own self and they regarded me as a nuisance. At least, that is how they made me feel. It made it easier for people to penetrate how I viewed myself. It made it easier for lurkers to get in and give me a false sense of belonging.  

As I reflect on things, I craved to not feel so broken and devalued. I needed validation from wherever it came. That only set me up for temporary distractions with no substance or ability to grow. Into mistakes I cannot undo. I felt ashamed of who I was becoming. So desperate for love, acceptance and validation that I was becoming part of the problem.

 I was not valuing myself. I was becoming like people who had hurt me. Anything to not feel the pain. To not feel dejected and unlovable. I just wanted to feel. It cost me more than I am willing to give up now. My integrity, and how I would forever be seen in some eyes. I was unforgivable to some. This made forgiving myself that much harder.  

If you are sincere about being a better person and growing in this journey, you cannot run from who you were or are, the things you have done or the hurt you may have caused. You have to accept that forgiveness may not come from some.  You have to be intentional about wanting to be better. 

Someone I wronged told me they could care less if I died tomorrow. It hurt.  I learned to respect their response to their hurt. However, knowing I had grown from the broken place I was in, I also refused to let their feelings about me make me feel like I could never change, that I could never be remorseful. I had been doing the work to be a better person. No one would take that from me. No one, regardless of any mistake I made would be a determining factor for how I viewed myself. 

I learned the power of forgiving people who hurt me and more importantly the power of forgiving myself. I have forgiven myself for trying to be too strong and for not being strong enough. I have forgiven myself for questioning my worth and being consumed with validation from others. The peace that has come with it may not undue the pain of some of the things that happened. However, it has been essential to my development along the journey. 

We have to face ourselves. The good, bad and the ugly. There is no running from who you are if your true quest is to become a better person. I have also learned to accept the apologies that I would never receive and own up to the ones I would make that would be rejected. I cannot define someone else’s path to healing.  

I forgive those who saw how broken I was and used it to their advantage. The voluntary and involuntary things that have occurred, I forgive. I have accepted that the trust I placed in some people was mishandled and used.  

One of the hardest things I have had to do was forgive the people who abused me.  It has been freeing and what has propelled my growth. We all will have “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” moments. However, I know much of it was necessary. Much of it was to show me what I never will allow again and who I never want to be again. 

Clarity: Love who you are. Do not give the power of the positive feelings you have for yourself away. Affirm yourself.  Know you are enough. Forgive.  As we are all a work in progress, keep pressing and trust the creator with your journey. Life is a gift, enjoy the blessing that it is. 

Life Lessons:DopeClarity.