Discovering My Truth

Discovering My Truth.

Sometimes having difficult conversations can be tough. Sometimes those are conversations a person must have with themselves. Rejection is never easy to take or give, if you are a good person. I believe in being honest about how you feel. Why is honesty hard for people to swallow? Hard to dish out.  Even when a person asks for honesty and stand by our ability to handle it, once faced with it, we can’t always deal with it like we thought. 

A person’s silence can be perceived in many ways, as rejection, opposition, or possibly lack of concern. It can also be a sign of a coward. It can be confusion of where a person is emotionally, or the persons inability to communicate.  It is a silence that if simply voiced in honesty, a person could gain the perspective they need and can then use the clarification to grow from or continue to deny that honesty and stay stifled in not willing to hear what is being spoken or unspoken.

 I was taught early on, I was just an object to please someone else. I was taught that my voice did not matter, that my wants and desires had no merit. And after many years of trying to understand my voice and wants and desires to find true happiness.  I often battle the nagging feeling of being less than, of not being enough. I battle with sacrificing my own happiness by not walking in my honesty. 

Unable to speak my honesty or my truth. Stifled to secure and protect other people’s happiness or anonymity at the expense of my mental healing.  I learned to compromise my voice and what it wanted to speak and how it needed to be heard. I learned how to walk on egg shells around my own truth. 

Too much of this but never enough of that. I seek what they don’t have to give, and I don’t know how to accept what is being offered. Eventually, I have that talk with myself. I convince myself it is ok to have a voice. That I am enough and that I matter. I tell myself it’s no longer okay to sacrifice my happiness for others. I tell myself its time to be honest about what hurt me, what drives me, what I like and what I don’t like. It’s time to speak even when the words come out shaky, speak even when the words may be unpleasant to some but freeing to me. Moreover, I need to listen. Listen to what my silence has said. Listen and learn from the silence of others. What does the rejection of their dialogue or acceptance mean if anything? What is the bigger lesson to be learned in the exchange?

Shrinking who I am, my voice, my choice can never be something I do again to appease people. I will not retreat and give up. I cannot be someone I am not anymore. I cannot do the dance anymore. I am not rejecting my inner voice or intuitions. I get it!  I can dish it and I can take it. I can handle what I don’t want to hear and can say things I’ve held back from saying. Something about the liberation of being 45. Or the decision to take on life with a different perspective. I am right in the place I needed to be. Looking at what the lesson is in things over why it is me in this thing?! I won’t read into what is not being communicated and see it as deficiency in me. I will see it for what it is. And I will see me for who I am through my own eyes. What’s the lesson in this? I am special, I matter! My voice matters! My truth matters. My Honesty can’t be withheld for me to heal. Honesty can't be avoided for me to grow.