That Familiar Feeling

“That Familiar Feeling”

This was my first Christmas in my “not so empty nest”.  The closer the holiday would get the more I was beginning to realize I was missing old times. Many things around me were occurring, life was changing, people I knew families were continuing to fall apart and while I may not have had a “fairy tale” marriage, we were always good as a family and I was missing my family this Christmas.

Everything about this holiday just felt like love and family for me. I loved cooking for my family, listening to Christmas music as I cooked, playing games after dinner everything just felt right. As our family dynamics changed, I learned to adjust. I made different holiday traditions for me and my daughters.

When I left the house, I raised them in back in August, I did my final walk through in every room. I took my dramatic deep sigh at the front door before I closed it and channeled my inner Whitley Gilbert-Wayne before she and Dwayne left off for Japan; and whispered, “I’m off to a different world”.

While I was only returning home to Philadelphia, things would never be the same. I was leaving the house I lived in for fourteen years, A city I lived in most of my adult life. Through highs and lows, heart aches and losses, I was walking away from everything that was familiar to me. Everything that I had built over years, I was leaving to start over. I had out grown the place, and the emotional toll that came with staying there was becoming more and more of a burden on me. As much as I was moving forward, I was taking financial steps backwards moving to a city with higher living expenses on less income with the same if not now more expenses. Happiness and peace were what I was leaving for and that didn’t come with a price.

I was in search of things new. New however, was beginning to be averse to what I had hoped being back home would mean. This new, was a struggle financially. Now working two jobs and STILL struggling, trying to keep busy just to not have to acknowledge that at times, particularly with the holidays drawing close and love being in the air, there was no one special in my life that made me feel the comfort of familiar. I was missing the familiar of old holidays, in my old home, the way my family used to be.

Thanksgiving this year was a reality that my daughters are getting older and are not guaranteed to make it home for the holidays. We survived, because it’s what we do, but I hated it and just had not been right since experiencing my first Thanksgiving without all my daughters with me and cooking and family time. Leading up to Christmas, I was looking forward to hosting dinner. Everything that could go wrong was starting to.

My new dining room table would now not be delivered in time for Christmas, my car needed a nice bit of work done, Bills were piling high, Nae almost missed her flight, they almost misplaced Jae’s bag and Monie had hit me with concerning news as I got dressed for work all in one morning. Trying to keep it together, I now found myself physically ill with a terrible sinus infection on top of my Fibromyalgia raging its war.  Still having to work both jobs, I was physically exhausted, emotionally drained, financially taxed and feeling bad about how barren it looked under my tree, and I still had to cook Christmas dinner.

My girls are growing right in front of my eyes. But they still have a lot of growing to do. The balance it takes in learning to let go and wanting to jump in was taking a toll on me. I am realizing they need a different level of support now and that our relationship was transitioning to a new level. Every day I was listening to Ledisi’s “This Christmas (Could Be The One)”. The lyrics expressed everything I was allowing myself to feel. I was missing and needing “Familiar”. Who else could I vent to about the girls, my finances, both jobs and so many other things that were going on right now? Especially now, In this season of love and yuletide and happy times. Times like this I long for family and love. I missed the connection I had with my Familiar. Being in tune with what my girls were going through emotionally, I recognized they needed their “Familiar” too.

Christmas morning, I got a text and found out my Wusband was headed this way for the holiday. In that moment I felt thankful. My girls needed him here. At this moment, it was not about me or him. It was about us recognizing at this time, Familiar was necessary. There was no conversation that needed to be held or even an invitation that needed to be extended. It was just what it was. Family is what we will always be.

My Mom and my Sisters also came over and that was also needed. Family is very important to me. A holiday without family present just is not a true holiday for me. The Girls and I had our time together and enjoyed how we now celebrated Christmas morning as our five (this of course includes Coco). We made a video and wore our “Best” T-Shirts. Overall, it was a Great Day! It for me was one of the best Christmas’ in a long time. It was Familiar. I’ve wrote before about sometimes just needing something to get you through to the next moment. This time Familiar got us through, Familiar got me through.

 What could have been a difficult holiday, gave my Girls what they needed; helped me to further address emotionally the difference between longing for the familiar and accepting that to keep moving in my new place that things are needed to just to get you through. Today, I sit thankful. Thankful for the Familiar. Sometimes the Familiar is enough to get you through. Still pushing toward in search of my happiness and peace. Smiling, Refreshed and Determined to See it Through!!