I pray you never wonder what you need to fix.

Fools Rush In

In the process of my separation and divorce, I must admit I publicly dated too early. I like so many others fell victim to the draw of over posting my every relationship move on social media. It wasn’t about likes for me but I honestly wanted the people who cared about me to see that I was moving on. I was TRYING to be happy. In my mind, I thought that’s what happy people did and what happiness looked like.

Two very socially public post divorce failed relationships later, I now realize how that was such a critical mistake for several reasons. I never considered what effects it had on my daughters and for that, to them I apologize. I never gave myself time to grieve my divorce. I was never honest that I didn’t even want a divorce. I just wanted things to not be how they were. I was trying to prove a point and was failing miserably. It didn’t help that my ex and I still worked together years after our divorce and we still acted as if we were married; talk about confusing. I still picked up coffee and packed lunches etc. How were my relationships supposed to make it when I was playing happy for people to see, but privately still playing the role I didn’t want to give up?

I however, had made my decision that it was time to be happy. I rushed towards what looked like happiness wrapped in the first “nice guy” that said the right things and made promises to be things that my marriage wasn’t. All while telling myself I was leaving for me. I was for the most part, but a small part had hope and belief in the possibility of something different. Turned out it was just another person playing a role. Lesson learned. What was happiness for me? I began to find it but still did not have things quite sorted out.

It would not be until some additional painful experiences had to occur for me to be forced to take a look at what defined happiness for me. I would need to be comfortable in my alone state. I would have to face the consequences of some of my choices and I would have to allow myself to grieve. I would have to deal with life itself!

When I recalled being abused it was like the flood gates of uncertainties and many epiphanies sprang forth. Things started to make sense. I started to understand those relationships were bandages for the scars left by voids and abuse. The need to prove to people that I was happy was because I was afraid to scream out that I was hurting and that I was not okay.  I thought relationships could fix things, that they could replace brokenness. That temporary signs of a nice guy would be sufficient until their true colors shined through.  I thought “differentness” would set them apart and be enough, reality was the other shoe hadn’t dropped, or I didn’t want to see it, or I was too busy rushing in trying to find what I thought was happiness. After all, the only way to be happy was to be in a relationship.  Or so I thought.

Some time later and after much processing, I now still desire a relationship but my mindset is different. It took me coming to peace with being single. It took me grieving my divorce and letting go. It takes knowing not to rush in so quickly and to take seasons to know someone and that doesn’t mean winter, spring, summer and fall but knowing how a person handles adversity and happiness and challenges etc. It means being honest with yourself about what feels right and what doesn’t. Knowing what you can do with and without. What is a compromise and a sacrifice. What would feed you or drain you. When you can be honest with a person about what you need to be emotionally healthy and they support you.

When you’ve really put the effort to working on you, it’s not as easy to make the same mistakes unless that’s where you like to be. Fortunately for me, I have bumped my head enough to know I don’t like how it feels. It is okay to take your time. It is okay if you just ain’t feeling someone no matter how nice they are. Never sacrifice your happiness. However, don’t let your past close you off from something potentially good for you.  Relationships are a journey, take your time and let things happen gradually. Guard your heart. Protect your happiness and your peace. Live, Love. Laugh.