More than "Me Too"

More than “Me Too”

One of the hardest things to deal with is knowing someone has harmed your child and there is not much you can do to change it. You can’t take away their pain and in some cases the perpetrator lives a carefree life not having to make amends for what they have done and there is no explanation or justification that can be offered that will make sense.  An even harder issue is when the person who has harmed you or your child is a family member you should be able to trust.

In too many families abuse is often swept under the rug or seen as a “family problem” one that gets ignored because the reality of facing it is seems to be more embarrassing for the members of the family and what it means to outsiders then the more important precedence of protecting the victim and ensuring the victim gets the help and healing they need. What makes the privacy of the potential scandal/blight on a family’s reputation more important than the victim?  Why do we expect the victim who has had trauma inflicted on them to be the bigger person? Urged to forgive; expected to forget and just move on? How does one actually just move on? How does one forget a violation that altered their life catastrophically?

Imagine what is like trying to live with an unhealed wound. Being asked to function normally as if the effects of its scars intercede on many facets of your life. When you can’t see the value in your life. When you feel hopeless. When you are foreign in relationships of any stability. When you have to medicate with alcohol, food or other vices to make you feel a semblance of comfort. When you would rather sleep all day or even worse go to sleep and never wake up again. When you cry out for help and just can’t sit on the wrong anymore. Then what? How many victims are sacrificing their healing to protect a family member?  How many family members have not stepped up and championed for the victim, having knowledge about the abuse and turned a blind eye? Who again is more important the victim or the perpetrator? How many people are silently suffering and we are overlooking their painful story?

I am not just a “Me Too”. I am a victim that has held in my pain and abuse out of fear for what that meant about me. What it meant about my violator. I lived a great deal of my life suppressing my abuse. Once recalled, I had a choice to make. Continue to be victim or address the harm and face every thing it was about to teach me. It has not been an easy road. I am still working through things. The benefit is I can now look at what happened to me and make sense of some of the poor relationship choices I made. I can understand my struggle with my self esteem and coming to a welcome love of myself. I can push through the hard days and continue on my path to healing.

What I am faced with now is knowing how the poor choice of worrying about addressing violators particularly familial violators damages the victim. More importantly, for my own daughters. It is a gut wrenching feeling to be able to relate to your child because of like painful experiences. Harmful, emotionally altering trauma!  Its not a shared experience a mother wants to have with her daughters. It is not enough to just say to them you understand when you are still trying to make sense of your own violation.  I didn’t want my daughters to know the trauma of abuse. Sadly, my love couldn’t keep them sheltered enough and they became a Me Too story. They have been forced to suffer in silence at the expense of their emotional stability and self worth. They too have been forced to place exposure of family scandal over their own healing. They too have felt hopeless and wondered if life was worth living.

 They too matter more than the protection of family scandal and uproar. Its not enough to just hope someone steps in and assists in and champions for them. It is my responsibility to make sure their voice is not unheard.  They too have a voice. They too deserve to get the healing they need. It is important they know they are valued and will be fought for. They are not alone in their journey to heal. I know the journey; I am still on my path to healing. I stand beside them in their quest to find peace. What is the lesson?  My daughters matter! Their voice matters. Their emotional stability is a priority. No one should have to choose a violators exposure over their need to call out the abuse. It is not okay! It was never their fault! This isn’t an issue that can’t be swept under the rug. They too need for people to take ownership of their actions. I pray that the cycle of abuse ends! I pray that we no longer place higher value over a victim’s voice and rights out of fear of familial exposure. It can’t just be a “what goes on in our family stay’s in our family” dysfunction. It can no longer be normalized. This too must end!