I pray you never wonder what you need to fix.

“Just Get Over It”

Sometimes people give what they feel is good advice but may not be able to see how much that “advice” lacks empathy or may even be unrealistic for the other person. Things like “just get over it, or you’re better off, or if that was me, I would” aren’t always the things a person needs to hear. While I don’t think that every person’s response lacks empathy, it’s easy to feel you would handle a situation a certain way and not have had to deal with it.   You may be able to be stronger in a situation or grieve differently; but each person’s journey is their own; as to that is their response in life and their own growth process. Too many people walk around with false bravado and “I wish a person would” mentality.

We each experience life differently and are allowed to process things how we do. We are allowed to heal and “get over” things that have happened when the time is right for us. A person who can lose a loved one, grieve and appear mentally strong in a shorter time frame than another is not stronger than  the other person; they are simply able to process things differently. We also have to consider a person’s life experiences or reasoning for why they feel what they feel. Maybe past trauma is hindering their growth, or esteem issues or they can simply just be stuck. It is however their journey. Not to be judged. Is someone judging how you live?

When going through my divorce, many people had an opinion of how I should handle things and how soon I should let go; how long I was supposed to be angry.  In many cases I felt inferior because I didn’t have the emotional strength they seemed to have; I didn’t hate him, or want to slash tires and bust windows.  What I realized was me still having love for him and seeing him as family in spite of what lead to our divorce was a sign of my strength.

Once I removed from my healing and processing what and where other people felt I needed to be emotionally, was when my healing began.  I needed to allow myself to grieve in my way. People assumed that because I still had love for him, I was stifling myself from growing in relationships.  Reality was the need to be something I wasn’t ready to be for other’s to be comfortable kept me bound and caused issues in relationships.  I moved on too fast because people thought that was where I should have been.

I love how I love and I am unapologetic about that. After 23 years in each others lives and still having children whose lives we are mutually involved in, I no longer care how people think we should be.  I have learned a long over due lesson that our relationship is our business and while it may puzzle someone looking at things from the outside, we both know what matters to us.  Our current friendship took a long time to get to and I refuse to let people ruin how far we have both grown.

In all actuality, my abuse and need to please people hindered my process of letting go far more than me still being in love with my ex-husband. I wanted to be how people wanted me to be and respond how they thought I should.  I was more concerned with how people wanted me to be then focusing on what I needed to be for me. I tried to be forgiving when I wasn’t ready and unfeeling when I still struggled with my feelings. I kept quiet about things that called my attention for fear of appearing to be in my feelings, and I suppressed anger when many deserving people needed to know how I felt.

I now stand okay with where I am. When entering into new relationships I am no longer comparing them to him, but challenging them to be what I need them to be for me. I am not rushing how I feel to match where someone else is, I am okay with taking things at the pace I need and want them to be. I am not fearful of being alone because I am good with who I am without a relationship.  This time in my life is about what I need to be for me to so that I can be whole. I am not afraid to say or challenge what brings me peace.

In every friendship and relationship. If my transparency is too much for a person, I respect that. I will however never suppress my needs, opinions and thoughts to appease someone else again. I will no longer feel I need to let go if I am not ready or stay where an exit is needed. I will express what causes me hurt even if the person’s intention was not to do so. I can agree to disagree.  I will not shrink from the undertakings of life. I stand confident in where my journey is taking me.  When I need to get over something I will when it’s my time and when I need it be over something, the time will come. Moving forward, I will be cautious about telling someone to just get over something and give them the empathy that many did not give me. Everyone’s journey and path to healing and peace has its own time frame. My path to peace is my own.