I pray you never wonder what you need to fix.

This was the first Thanksgiving in my “empty nest” life. My youngest two daughters were away at school and AIT.  My oldest who’s been staying with me works the same place for the season that I have been working part time so we were mostly not together due to our Black Friday/Thanksgiving work schedule.

I thought it would be harder than it was. And there were times I thought I’d catch myself sitting with a glass of Jameson and Ginger Ale and crying myself through my first Thanksgiving as an “empty nester”. I can say it was not the best feeling. I was lonely, missing my daughters and feeling like the holiday blues were aiding in me missing my old life when we were all a family. The holidays have been hard but this feeling is new. Now I am learning to talk myself through these times and even look for the rainbow in my cloudy reality. 

I realized while it was difficult I am coming to my peace which is something I have needed for long time. I am looking at moments of isolation or time alone as a time to listen closely, sit in whatever emotion I am feeling and just be. We can’t always run from our emotions. Sometimes we need to sit in them in order to really grow.

A highlight of the “holiday” weekend was being able to see my two Ride or Die Girlfriends, simply referred to as my RODs. Funny how life has changed for us all. We have watched our children grow, our marriages end or shift, we are even seeing how time and age changes us. We laughed about bladders that aren’t the same and talked about senior year woes.  We talked about single parent struggles and the crap that is today’s dating pool. Though are time together was brief it was much needed.

Another good thing about the time with them is that it gave me some time on the turnpike to drive, think, blast my music and sing off key to my content. I thought about how I now understand how angry my friends were when I was going through my divorce and marital issues. People will have you fooled about who they really are and what they are capable of. Things can get so messed up you may even find yourself asking well, damn what DID I do to make things this way? Everyone has their side of what went wrong and who has the bigger woe is me story.  The important thing is that YOU know your story. 

I know for me, caring more about what people thought of me and if it was my fault that my marriage failed weighed heavy on me. I was constantly feeling like I had to justify the “woe is me” in my story.

Today would have been my Mother in Law’s 67^th Birthday. Much since her passing I felt I had to prove to others how much she meant to me. It wasn’t enough that people may have known she referred to me as ‘Daughter” and that she saw me as more than just a Daughter in Law.  

Trying to find my “place” in her life since her passing has been difficult. Was it wrong for me to miss her so much? After all, I wasn’t her blood although she never treated me differently. I missed my “give it so me straight” Mother in Law. Over the years I have felt I needed to stifle how much I miss her because others didn’t see any need for me as I was no longer “in the family”. Today as I find myself struggling because I miss her so much and  realizing I don’t owe anyone justification for my feelings. My time with her meant something. Our relationship helped me to grow. She was pivotal in helping me raise the girls and I DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER TO ANYONE. Our Story is Our story.

As I continue to learn in this transition, I will take knowing my story is mine and to not consume myself in needing validation or justification from anyone, I know I will be fine. The girls are getting older and as such, holidays will be different. That is something I must accept and be proud of the awesome job, I’ve done raising them. My RODs will always be there and distance and life’s occurrences won’t change our bond. Mom OJ and I were what we were to each other and I am honored that God blessed me with her and I no longer am concerned with who feels that I shouldn’t love her and miss her. Anyone who knows her, knows that isn’t an easy task! She was too much of a powerhouse to not have positively influenced the people she encountered. Imagine how blessed I really was to be her “Daughter”. I take her wisdom, her encouragement, her love, her sternness and everything that was her and will hold onto it. This “Story” much like my joy the world didn’t give it to me and the world will not take it away! I KNOW MY STORY! And that is enough for me!