That Familiar Feeling

I PRAY FOR MY DAUGHTERS 

Being a Mother of three early adult Women, I have tried to show them what strength looks like. Raising them primarily since my divorce however has been an ordeal at times. Now at 46 I lay in bed often brought to tears out of fear for their lives.

Being a survivor of sexual trauma and knowing the affects it has had on me and relationships causes me grave concern for them. 

Knowing their stories are aligned with mine and their own past trauma keeps me in prayer that they are spared from many years of poor choices of trying to see value in themselves when trauma is altering their perception of what their value is. 

Knowing how much trauma causes havoc on a persons self-esteem and sense of worth. Knowing how many years I struggled to see my own value past my trauma worries me that my daughters will be in search of their own value for too long.  

Fearing that no matter how much I’ve tried to pour into them how valuable they are, my words aren’t enough to cover the pain they feel internally and that all my love at times only serves for is a bandage. 

Playing back how many times my Mother told me I was loved and special and valuable and realizing for me it wasn’t always enough. Knowing that the emotional pain abuse caused me has lingering affects. Watching the pain inflicted on my daughters manifest in their life is agonizing as I try to protect them. 

Agonizing over poor decisions I’ve made and how they may have affected how they view relationships. Wishing I could just give them the wisdom I’ve gained from growth in life. Fear in knowing I can’t protect them from the growing pains of life and relationships and what comes when you try to navigate womanhood and emotions. 

Determined to live more like an example for them. I pray to God to cover them, that he protect them from hurt I can’t keep from encountering their lives. 

Wanting better for them, hoping lessons come easier and sooner than mine.  I pray and ask God to keep them covered. To stir up the Queen in them to champion above the negative messages that trauma has taught them about themselves. That they are no longer victims of circumstance but survivors and over-comers. 

I press forward knowing ultimately God is in control and the best thing I can do moving forward is live by example, love them even when they push me away and be consistent in their lives. 

Teach them how to stand tall, teach them how to accept mistakes as lessons. Pray when I don’t know what else to do. It’s not easy when just imparting wisdom isn’t enough. It’s hard when transparency and truth doesn’t always reveal the intent to them you want it to. It’s hard when you don’t feel like you have the right words to say to make things better. 

I will keep moving forward understanding the affects the trauma of abuse caused me as a woman. Praying their trauma doesn’t affect their lives as long as it did for me. I still see them as babies. I wish I could have protected them more. I am angry that the harm someone inflicted on them troubles who they are. 

Again I pray, I cry sometimes then I pray again and while I am infuriated that trauma has pained me and my daughters, I know that pain has taught me to be stronger; how to stand taller and what it’s like to overcome. I pray they are learning. I pray for their healing. I love them beyond measure. I believe trouble won’t last always and trauma won’t continue to be the thief that it is. I just keep praying and repeating better days are coming.