“She knows
who she is because she knows who she isn’t”- Nikki Giovanni
One of the best things that has happened for me was finding my own voice. One of the most powerful things that has happened has been my discovery of self and falling in love with myself. One thing about spending time with myself post divorce and reflecting on relationship choices I have made is learning what I will and won’t do, what I will and won’t compromise on and the importance of not allowing my voice to be stifled, my uniqueness to be made an issue or my beliefs to be cow tailed because we may think differently.
I find it difficult to not see red flags a lot sooner and fall back even before something starts. Falling back allows me time to process on my own and be in accord with what I can stand by for myself. At one time I thought I was just jaded. Now I see it as wisdom. The compromise of my peace of mind is not something I am willing to be swayed on. I am aggressive about protecting myself. I struggled too long to find my voice and the value that it had for me. I spent too much of my time changing to appease people and not being who I was comfortable being. I spent too much of my life letting other people’s preference make me feel like I wasn’t enough and was less than. I allowed the choices other people made with ill-regard to the detriment it may cause me emotionally to be the determining factor in how I defined love, and relationships and what I felt I deserved from them. I dwelled in self-doubt, I was full of resentment, broken and while I wanted to be loved, I still did not know what that looked like for me. Often times any semblance of what I thought love should or could be for me would cause me to compromise and take from people less than I deserve.
One thing
that is becoming more clear is that my voice has a purpose and my feelings are valid.
My experiences have led me to be introspective and accepting. Mistreatment and betrayal have taught me that
I don’t like the pain they cause. Wisdom
has helped me to be able to process my thoughts. I can be honest with myself and
know there were times I did not allow my value to be a priority. I can have a thought or opinion and I no
longer need a co-signer to be okay with what I am feeling or saying or be conflicted
in the stance I may take. I am a free thinker and grown enough to know when
more time at the table needs to happen for me to process my thoughts. I don’t
need to be taught how to think. I am not opposed to your opinion it just does
not place higher value over me being able to come to a decision on my own. I am
not limited in my opinion. I am not yours to script or to think for.
I can’t
apologize if this new found me makes you uncomfortable. I wasn’t built to shrink
to fit your mold. I am uniquely me with a voice that has purpose and passion. Having
a stroke in your mid thirties teaches you that your life can change in an
instant. Losing loved ones unexpectedly makes you cherish relationships and the
support they gave. Struggling with an
illness that people can’t see and doubt is real makes you feel like you’re on
an island alone and propels you into independence. Being broken by love, and at times life, makes your fight to
be you even greater. Being unapologetic in my pursuit of peace is a journey I
won’t be swayed from or knocked off.
Yes, Sis! Thank you for sharing. I truly feel empowered after reading this.
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