Life's Lessons with Jai

Same Dress. Different Me.  Ten years ago I wore this fancy red dress only I did not feel so fancy. I walked into an event and I began to receive compliments but I did not feel worthy of being complimented.  I was wearing my public mask trying not to let the unhappiness that resided in me show. I was broken on the inside. The world I existed in was filled with heartache, betrayal and uncertainty in who I was. I felt like I had no value.  I was carrying a load of pain that on the inside was destroying my essence. I was ashamed of what my reality was. I was a woman dealing with the ultimate betrayal. It was not a secret that could be hidden. It was alive and residing in the reality of my life.  The effects kept me on edge and made me untrusting. It made me angry and bordering on bitterness. My smile had no luster. My hope was in question. I was a shattered mess in a fancy dress.  I recently wore my fancy red dress. When I slipped it on this time the co...

“It may be time to pause” Have you ever felt like you’ve officially reached the point where you feel a relationship may not be for you?  When you are past the point where just being in “situationships” or “ Friends with Benefits ” is enough? If you can be honest with yourself, it was never something you were cut out to be able to flow in. You are a relationship person who wants something meaningful and the compromise that it keeps taking to adapt to a box you don’t fit it continues to be an issue for you. Yet, the fear that this “opportunity” may be the only option you might ever have again causes you to linger? If truth be told, it was never that easy for you to be in that type of “undefined” relationship. And while you have tricked yourself into thinking you could handle it just to feel less of the weight of being single. You find yourself battling your emotions your wants, needs and your standards.  People who are natural communicators will eventually want to discuss fe...

Just Breathe And Embrace The Ride  I took my dog on a long walk today then I came back in and sat on my balcony with a glass of wine. And I breathed. And I was comfortable in my solitude. I was engaged in my own being and was amazed at the beauty of the growing process. It’s been almost a year since my return home and it has been an extreme whirlwind of emotional occurrences of highs at times overshadowed  with many more difficult lows.  But this life was not promised to us to be easy. I have never been more proud of the woman I am becoming. Flawed and imperfect,  stronger and standing flat footed I embrace my peace, growth and happiness with eyes wide open and accepting there will be difficulty in the journey. I however, was not built to break. I also know the beauty and love felt after giving birth.  The journey is what I am set to experience. This road is one only my shoes were made to walk.  I was uniquely created for this. My purpose is co...

Don’t let the dysfunctional become your familiar.  I wanna be able to sit with you and vibe with you. While I bask in what you make me feel and give me the option to make a decision if I wanna ride with this or seek for different. I want you to feel what I feel and you not leave me open to be hurt just one more time. I want to be secure that I know I’ve found the one that I can be easy with.  Wanting to be open to love post divorce has indeed had it’s challenges. I get tired of believing in something that keeps proving to not be beneficial to me .  And you can do the introspective approach and have concluded that it still isn’t you, but in fact that the    love you want to believe in may not be your reality.    Then what do you do? Keep praying for change? Factor in your old dysfunctional ways in some ways at least allowed you some brief happiness.  Coming to the conclusion that you still believe in holding out for what moves your heart...

“She knows who she is because she knows who she isn’t”- Nikki Giovanni One of the best things that has happened for me was finding my own voice. One of the most powerful things that has happened has been my discovery of self and falling in love with myself.   One thing about spending time with myself post divorce and reflecting on relationship choices I have made is learning what I will and won’t do, what I will and won’t compromise on and the importance of not allowing my voice to be stifled, my uniqueness to be made an issue or my beliefs to be cow tailed because we may think differently. I find it difficult to not see red flags a lot sooner and fall back even before something starts. Falling back allows me time to process on my own and be in accord with what I can stand by for myself.   At one time I thought I was just jaded. Now I see it as wisdom. The compromise of my peace of mind is not something I am willing to be swayed on. I am aggressive about protecting mys...

Navigation  Dating post divorce has completely sucked! Even after two “relationships”, I still find myself trying to navigate what this new “dating” life is supposed to be. Knowing the ratio of men vs women is so disproportionate; I still was finding myself trying to be open.   More times now than not asking myself what am I actually waiting for? On a recent date, I was asked what exactly I am looking for. I replied, hell, I’m just trying to like a person first. So many women I know have dated men just to say they had a date; to fill the void of being lonely. So many people “posting” their happy lives have us thinking we are missing something by taking time out to discover what we even really like. We feel like if our life isn’t “like worthy” it’s not enough.  Perhaps taking time out to find out what you really even like is what’s needed. What are you willing to compromise? When have you had enough of his BS to wanna try a different/better option?  At the ...

Talks With Myself  As I get older and have been trying to focus more on why some things in my life are how they are or were. I started to realize I had to have critical conversations with myself. Knowing now that the opinion of me that matters the most to me is what I think about myself.  I used to allow what others thought about me or what others thought I should do or how I should be, matter more then my own beliefs. Now I see the beauty in talks with myself. I used to run to a friend for advice even when I knew how to handle a situation myself or what I wanted to do (even if it was wrong), I still had a voice. I still am responsible for my choices and actions. Somehow talking to people was validation I needed to know how to feel about a situation and at times how I felt about myself.  I’ve made plenty a poor choice by caring more about others than I did myself. I valued others opinion more at times than relying on the lesson I needed to learn or the outcom...