Life's Lessons with Jai

The Emotional Ride Sometimes I just feel beat down. Between the issues that come with work, my daughters and every day life, I am exhausted!  Navigating through this journey has had its many obstacles. Spending time in solitude teaches you a lot. Perspective comes and I feel a wave of energy to keep pushing forward. Then emotions come and have the tendency to set me back some steps.  Everyday trying to start off positive and ready to face another day, and with some days finding it hard to always stay in that mindset.  Some days, emotionally, I want to scream. Some days I can’t stop crying.  Most days I channel my Queen self and shoulder up for the battle. Yet even then it’s still a struggle.  Trying to make sense out of madness and still believing that even the madness is trying to be a new teacher. It’s a roller coaster with no end in sight on the ride. Emotionally taking each day as it comes, allowing whatever I feel to not be stifled; but all...

“That Familiar Feeling” This was my first Christmas in my “not so empty nest”.   The closer the holiday would get the more I was beginning to realize I was missing old times. Many things around me were occurring, life was changing, people I knew families were continuing to fall apart and while I may not have had a “fairy tale” marriage, we were always good as a family and I was missing my family this Christmas. Everything about this holiday just felt like love and family for me. I loved cooking for my family, listening to Christmas music as I cooked, playing games after dinner everything just felt right. As our family dynamics changed, I learned to adjust. I made different holiday traditions for me and my daughters. When I left the house, I raised them in back in August, I did my final walk through in every room. I took my dramatic deep sigh at the front door before I closed it and channeled my inner Whitley Gilbert-Wayne before she and Dwayne left off for Japan; and wh...

Growing up the youngest of 8 children, I became my families source of entertainment . The one they pull out at family gatherings to show the latest dance moves.  I am the one that would be on American Idol after Simon told me how horrible my singing was crying “ but my family said I was a great singer”.  Making them feel proud of whatever talent they thought I had made me feel good. When I pledged my Sorority, my line name became “The Joker” somehow my musings made things lighter in our journey and once again my talent to entertain came in handy. My Wusband (Ex-Husband) used to call me “Lil Magic” (from the In Living Color character) based on how much I enjoyed making people laugh and entertaining people; especially my family. I like when other people are happy or when I feel like I’m giving others something to smile about. Being able to make people laugh or feel good about things has always been what I would try to do.   As much as it’s a part of who I am it’s also...

This was the first Thanksgiving in my “empty nest” life. My youngest two daughters were away at school and AIT.   My oldest who’s been staying with me works the same place for the season that I have been working part time so we were mostly not together due to our Black Friday/Thanksgiving work schedule. I thought it would be harder than it was. And there were times I thought I’d catch myself sitting with a glass of Jameson and Ginger Ale and crying myself through my first Thanksgiving as an “empty nester”. I can say it was not the best feeling. I was lonely, missing my daughters and feeling like the holiday blues were aiding in me missing my old life when we were all a family. The holidays have been hard but this feeling is new. Now I am learning to talk myself through these times and even look for the rainbow in my cloudy reality.   I realized while it was difficult I am coming to my peace which is something I have needed for long time. I am looking at momen...

Fall Back As Daylight Savings Time approaches this weekend and we annually fall back I have thought much this week about "falling back" and taking a time out. This transition home has not gone as smoothly as I had hoped. To be honest, it has been rough! The good thing is it has been a continued lesson. My feeling like I needed something else to define what happiness looked like was causing me conflict as well as being an unnecessary distraction; as I had life matters to deal with. And while I have been learning lessons, I am sure I have been missing key things because my focus was on the wrong things. I needed to silence out the distractions. I now find myself home in bed on a  Friday evening  relaxed and at peace. Phone on do not disturb, and just happy to be! With so much chaos going on in my life I am finding my center. It is not based on who is attached to me. It is based on my love for me being attached to me. It is me being damn good with my own company. With so...

Deep in my feelings, When “Feelings, so deep in my feelings. No this ain’t really like me. Can’t control my anxiety” Makes you feel like you’re touchin’ the ceiling; when you’re with them you can’t breathe and they do something to you; then you find yourself deep in thought and realize you just might be trip trip trippin’. That becomes the moment you take time out and ask yourself what does this mean to you. Are these legitimate feelings? Are they temporary feelings needed for the moment or are you just lonely and the possibility of any attention is better than none? Are these feelings you’re feeling based on a physical, emotional , spiritual and intellectual attraction. Are they feelings that make you wanna be open? Or are you honestly tired and lack trust in believing in these feelings and realize these just might simply be words to a good song. What happens when the feelings aren’t mutual? Maybe you or they aren’t in the mindset to want to be deep on any level with anyone. What...

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE In my pursuit to date I notice that there is often a double standard when a woman wants to explore her options. Men can tell you upfront they are not looking for a relationship. They can have a fear of commitment and as women we are supposed to accept it. Because they’ve expressed some interest in you, they perceive we will take a number and get in line with the other women who are vying for their attention.   We as women are supposed to be okay with him choosing to engage us when it fits for him, getting ghosted with no explanation and expected to be okay with sharing them with other women. Courting is damn near obsolete and we are expected to think Netflix and Chill is an appropriate date. After all, at least he’s giving you some time.   We are supposed to be okay with texts not returned for days even though its been on read since shortly after being sent.   We are supposed to be okay with “I just don’t like to tex...